Amazing how some nights might turn out into an endless stream of thought. Especially these insomniac ones.


Apart from the still-flowing river of often meaningless and useless, there are some things which lead me into a state of consider. Inspiration and motivation belong here. Let's take a closer look on them, shall we?


Today I had a day off, so I decided to draw something, but lack of inspiration hit me early. It set the traps before I stepped on the path. "S'okay" I thought, "Well, if not right now, then maybe later, anyway I've got some stuff to do." Sure, no problem, I've filled time with different things, be it learning, a bit of chilling out, dogwalking. Whatever name we can give, every other action/plan/chore was done. Except drawing. "Okay, it's probably not my day. I'll give it a shot later on." I thought and jumped into the sea of daily chores. Up until the sunset.

Then, the evening has shown, and I still felt the desire to draw. It's not that easy to burn it out, if ever. Sketching, sketching, sketching, and what's the result? Canvas cleaned back to the peaceful white color, ready to start again, over and over. In the end, no picture was drawn, despite that I came across a few good ideas, thanks to some activities. What's the reason then?

Now it's 3:56 am and it seems that I've found the roots of that plagued tree. Lately I've been very skeptical, even if it came to drawing. However, when I start to draw and look at the sketch after 2-3 minutes of doodling, a part of me argues with me. "C'mon, how come that someone like you could draw such shabby pic? You should draw way better at your age. Look at the line here, here, here, here (...). It goes all wrong!" Then I spend several minutes (often stretching to hours) on correcting a simple mistake. It might be caused by the fact that I'm a bit of perfectionist. Maybe even more than "a bit." But that doesn't seem to be the only reason.

Apart from that, the ideas of the pic I have in mind are often above my skills. Despite being a perfectionist and skeptic if it comes to my drawing, I'm also extremely demanding. I've the tendency of aiming high, but do you know the feeling when you're about to reach the top and slip over? Believe me, the ground is hard as hell. That happens me a lot, thus many of my pics are kept for "further correction", which is a failure anyway, 'cause it doesn't even take place, thanks to my high aims.


There's a need of experience to level up, but I'm rushing straight to the boss fight. Achieving that feels way better without those shiny weapons.

/logoff